I don't know whether to be relieved by the answers that I've gotten tonight.
It's comforting to know what you think of me.
However, knowing that you're lost in life scares me.
I wish I can give you more reasons to look forward to but unfortunately, that's all you need from me.
What you're looking for is something that i couldn't give.
Knowing that I couldn't provide that part for you saddens me.
It makes me feel like I'm not good enough for you to be contented.
I guess this is my fault for making you too comfortable.
Why do i feel like loving too much is never a good thing?
At the end of the day, I'm the one at the losing end.
Waking up next to someone yet, feeling so lonely.
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
I don't know whether to be relieved by the answers that I've gotten tonight.
Saturday, March 11, 2017
I've come to accept things as they are.
To be constantly pondering over the same old issues is not going to get me anywhere.
I'm just going to end up being upset over and over again.
It's funny how the same situations keep reappearing at different faces.
Maybe it's my problem that I'm always so giving.
My mother always tell me not to be always giving and don't give too much.
Because I always end up at the losing end.
No mother would want to see their child heartbroken over and over again.
Somehow I'm always forgetting this lesson despite facing the same outcome numerous times.
Maybe I'm stubborn.
Maybe I give too much.
Maybe I love too much.
Without knowing how to be loved back.
Thursday, January 05, 2017
Sometimes I really wonder how long do some things last in life.
Whether it is for a minute, a year, a decade, whatever.
No one really knows.
And you have people who say appreciate what you have while it's still here.
But what if not everyone feels the same way?
What if not everyone wants what they currently have?
Maybe they're still not sure and still searching for deeper answers.
It would be sad to know that it could end up that way as I've already built so much along the way.
And to end up just watching everything fall apart again, it would be devastating.
But even if it happens, what can i do?
At times, I really wonder if we're all on the same page or not.
I wonder if you've decided or not.
Monday, December 19, 2016
I thought I can change my perception about life after reading The Monk who Sold his Ferrari.
Well, it did, for a moment.
Unfortunately, the positivity didn't really quite stick to me that long.
I keep having all these thoughts in my head over the things that are happening.
Often thinking that the outcome is probably bad, as usual.
Is it because I'm so used to being in the rut that I often conclude that my life is pretty much gonna end the same way as it always has.
I always hope that things will be different this time, as cliche as it sounds.
But honestly, I really do hope and live the chance to say something like that.
It would be nice if things turn out the way I want to.
Sunday, December 18, 2016
One thing I like about working is that it keeps your mind occupied.
So there isn't time for you to over think certain situations in your life.
But once you're off the clock, that's when you have time to think and then, over think.
Very unhealthy, I know.
But I keep reminding myself to stay positive.
Giving the benefit of the doubt for all these situations.
Every night, I comfort myself by telling myself that everything is ok.
Maybe actually, everything IS ok. It's just that I feel that there's always more than meets the eye.
But would I really know?
Would I really know the whole truth if it's meant to be a lie?
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
I wonder if I can be nocturnal.
Live the night, and sleep the day.
Somehow the night time of the day feels so much safer than the day.
Perhaps there's less nonsense to deal with when everyone is asleep.
Doing everything that you want under the dark sky without the crowd.
Watch the moon and stars light up the sky every night while listening to the insects sing at night.
That peace, comfort and solitude.
Sounds just about right.
Just me, myself and the night.
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
Probably the biggest change this year is changing my job to a much more challenging one. Somehow I'm still surviving, but for how long more is another episode.
I should probably lose more weight.
I can feel myself getting older. I probably look so too.
Am I making him feel too comfortable? Maybe I should start setting some limits.
I need to find a better book to read. But which one?
I need more money.
I like cooking. Maybe I can open up my own cafe.
Wonder how cold it is in Japan next year. Should I bring more jackets?
Are we on the same page or drifting apart? I wonder what kind of future he sees with me. Or is there even one at all?
Why am I having so much sleepless nights?
Can I die due to lack of sleep and over working?
I think what my sister said is true.
To be bluntly honest because guys can't figure out what you want if you're beating around the bush.
I guess that's probably how I got more quality time, which is better than none.
Although, some things have changed, a lot..
But what really annoys me now is how his peers are trying to influence every aspect of his life to a point whereby he's just another dog jumping into their bandwagon. Although, he denies.
I wouldn't be surprised if I'm the unfavoured outsider due to my different taste in life. Plus, why the fuck should I comply to your standards? Who the hell do you think you are? I wouldn't be surprised as well if you're trying to brainwash him to your ideology.
However, sometimes I really get confused by him as well. Sometimes he's like against them but also he's with them. Like, I don't even get it.
Sunday, July 10, 2016
It seems off track, perhaps a little lost as we traveled here.
Now we seem to be like strangers on the same train.
What happened in between is not quite clear.
Or maybe I'm having a rush of emotions which I'm dealing in my head, and in my head only.
It feels a little different and I'm not quite sure why.
Things look the same but feels different.
And I wonder why.
Thursday, July 07, 2016
If I could, I would read you like a book.
Know your introduction, your climax and every chapter. I want to know your story.
But only if you would let me read you.
Instead of just shutting off and appear as a blank page.
I want to know more if you would let me to.
I want to know how you see me in your eyes.
I want to how you feel when you think about me, when you see me.
I want to know what you see in me.
Wednesday, January 06, 2016
I've been waiting all week for the weekend.
Only to end it with more waiting and misery.
To the extend, I don't even know if I should bother so much anymore.
Somehow things are under a different light from my perspective.
Some things don't feel as important as they used to.
Sadly how things end up in the same scenario again.
Maybe I'm just cursed that way.
Saturday, January 02, 2016
Friday, January 01, 2016
That whole 'new year, new me' bullshit is not happening.
Instead, a reminder to myself for 2016:
1. Don't trust anyone so easily. Keep some distance just in case that person decides to change their mind.
2. Love yourself a little bit more, no matter how difficult it is. No matter who tries to put you down, just chin up and try to love yourself.
3. Stop expecting. Expectations kill you.
4. Be a tough cookie. People will always try to hurt you verbally and emotionally. Probably they're just jealous of your awesomeness.
5. Bffs are forever and always.
6. Spend less time on social media, especially FB because thats the place where everyone has the need to show off their happiness. And it takes a toll on you, thinking that your life sucks as compared to theirs. But that is not entirely true. Just because you choose to show off less doesn't mean you have a miserable life. It just shows that you're not a showy person. An introvert, ya know. I'm glad I'm aware of how this can affect me so I'm gonna tell myself to spend less time scrolling on that. However, twitter and blogs are different because I tend to just post and ciao. I don't really bother reading stuff there.
So yeah, cheers to me!
You stayed for such a short time.
I didn't wanna sleep because I know once I close my eyes, I'm wasting time away.
I've been waiting all day for that little time with you.
Now I'm awake and you're gone.
Somehow I wish you could stay longer.
The time we had was like a dream.
Somehow it feels like I'm waiting all over again.
But I had to be selfless so that others can be selfish.
I wonder if you know how much it means to me to be with you.
Sometimes I wonder how you feel about me. I wish I knew how deep is your love.
I'm so afraid to give in more and to be returned with nothing all over again.
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
I don't expect anyone to understand why I'm awake at this hour, worrying, crying..
Mainly because it is not happening to them.
People can never be truly empathetic if they have never gone through that situation before.
Some may think that I'm overreacting or I have bad control over my emotions.
But who are you to judge if you've never been in my shoes?
Another lesson I've learnt during this period is that you know where you stand in other people's lives.
How important you are to them, it all shows now.
It sucks to know where you actually stand in reality as compared to what they say.
But I guess this is reality.
This is what's really happening.
It may be hard to accept but its something that I have to live with.
This makes me wonder why people bother so much about getting attention from others when the world is so selfish?
I mean what's the point really?
So after this eye opener, I think it's always best to just keep everything to myself. It's better that way. I always feel that there's no use sharing information which are of no benefit to the other party. I mean, why would they care? Why bother listening to redundant words?
Like I always say, depend on yourself is always better as you will never disappoint yourself. At least you know what you're thinking and you know what's best for you.
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Sometimes you look at the people around you showing off their happiness.
Immediately, you'll be like "ya, I'm happy with my life."
But are you? Really?
Or is it some lie you keep telling yourself to hide away from the truth?
The source of unhappiness could be happening right before your very eyes.
What if there's no way of stopping it and the only way is to watch the flames die off?
What would you do?
At this point in my life, I'll just hope for the best. If it doesn't happen, then scratch that, move on.
Like I've never done this before.
Maybe one day, one fine bloody day, I will find my happiness.