Sunday, November 16, 2014

To confide

Sometimes I feel like I have so much to say.
But to actually talk about it, its a different issue.
Some things are hard to tell people.
Some things are hard to write it out.
And sometimes, we may not even have someone to tell it to.
Worrying that the other party doesn't understand how you feel and making quick judgements.
It just makes you feel like I shouldn't have done it in the first place.
Life is just annoying sometimes.

Room of silence

In a dark room, filled with the sound of silence.
Its quite calming sometimes.
Just looking out at the dark pink skies.
Wondering is there someone else thinking about me.
My mind has been so preoccupied with doubtful, indecisive thoughts.
I'm always being told to not think so much, to calm down..but when will we ever stop thinking?
Maybe when we're dead?
I do hope that one day I can be sure of things.
Not having to worry so much over the same old things. Instead have new problems to think about.
Sometimes I want to believe in what I'm being told but its just so difficult.
I wish I know what to do.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

I depend on me

If you want someone to change their ways to make you happy, how can you expect someone to change if you can't even change yourself?
Sometimes it takes time and experiences to change a person.
Maybe that's how a person can change.
Some may take a short period of time, some might take forever.
You'll never know.

Another tough lesson is that we cant rely on others to make things happen.
We can only rely on ourselves to actually make things happen because we are in control.
Relying on someone will be up to their discretion to make the call.
And sometimes both have different goals and objectives.
Then, comes disappointment.

Its a tough lesson but we all gotta start somewhere.
Sometimes we just have to keep in mind that this is life.
A life full of selfish people.

Monday, October 06, 2014

No point, really.

All those nights spend wondering and questioning everything.
Maybe I should just leave all these thoughts behind and spend more time watching TV, playing my favorite games and maybe just color my nails.
Even though I try to put those thoughts behind to focus on other things, those thoughts will still be there, just maybe they will come out later.
Maybe when you're on your bed, about to call it a night.
Maybe when you're in the shower.
Maybe when you're looking outside the window, staring into the street lamp across the road.
Some things just won't leave, especially if its about things you want to stay.

Saturday, October 04, 2014

So that's how it is

So apparently we are two boats tied together.
And I thought we are both on the same boat.
I mean, isn't that how it is?

Hmm I guess that explains a lot why some things are the way they are.

And all this while I was just living a fantasy that I made in my head without knowing that the truth is completely different from what I imagined.

I guess that's just how my life is.
Somehow I just never have the luck in finding someone who would rock along in my boat.

Am I asking too much or am I just undeserving of such requests?

I think I am asking for too much especially from someone who doesn't want to give that much.

Seriously, I'm a joke. Thinking I can have it all but I'm actually left with nothing. And still believing that I can have it all.

Thursday, October 02, 2014

And i wonder...

We're already in October.
Time passes by so quickly, doesn't it?
I wonder how I will turn out in 5 years time. Just out of curiosity.
Based on my life, currently, I feel like I'm gonna end up nowhere.
But who knows what can happen in between.
All I can hope for is to be better and have a more peaceful life.
A life surrounded by people that I love.
That's all I ask for.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

I'm a lifeless face that you'll soon forget

  
And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.
'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.
Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong
The lovers that went wrong.  

Beautifully broken

Have you ever felt that sometimes in the midst of your self-reflection, you find the answers to the questions that you keep asking yourself?

Well that just happened to me a moment ago.

I was asking why am I so full of mistakes, flaws and everything bad in general.
But maybe that's what makes me, me.
I make mistakes, many.
I am flawed, in my own ways.
I have my bad qualities.
I am not perfect.

But I figured that maybe I have to embrace my mistakes because they are what that makes me who I am.
It seems like the harder I try, the harder I fall.
I'm not trying to be perfect, I just want to be better.

I know I have to keep telling myself to not to be so tough on myself.
But sometimes I can't help it.
Its empowering and to a point it just goes out of control.
It gets most intense when I'm alone with my thoughts.
I wish I knew how.

I wish I could see myself the way you do.
But sometimes it just makes me question how much do people actually care.
I guess the people who stuck with me all this while are the people who really care.
But I just find it hard to believe that they do.

Agree to disagree

This year has probably been one of the toughest years of my life.
Things have happened which has left me pretty much more hurt and damaged than before.
We pretty much agree to disagree that some things are just not meant for us.
Maybe not now, maybe never.
Who knows?
Guess we will only know when we have to cross that bridge.

I have friends who are concerned enough to approach me and ask me how am I based on my twitter feeds.
I apologize for saddening your timeline.
But its my place of escape, my place where I can let my opinions roam free.
And this blog is probably a longer version of my sad tweets.
I did mention that one thing about me is that I may seem chirpy and happy in person but my social media is just a whirlpool of sadness. 

The true feelings we hide just to be selfless.
Well, that's life I guess.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

I'm the fool

I don't think you know what I want.
Even if you do, you'll just push it aside and insist that your way is the best.

You know, I thought I could live the life which I've always dreamed of.
But maybe its not as possible as it may seem.
Maybe because I'm building sandcastles on my own and every time the waves come to wash it away, I try to build it again.
It goes on and on..

Maybe I'm the foolish one who's still believing in this fairy tale which is just a myth after all.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Why?

Why would you give me more reasons to care less about you?

It's not that I want to but you made me this way.

Maybe I am Damaged.

I remember being all defensive when someone labelled me as a 'damaged' person.
I didn't believe that bcos I thought I have always been a very strong, independent person with directions and goals that can get me far in life.
Like a successful woman with dreams come true.

But come to think of it..now, maybe I'm not as dynamic as I thought I was.
Maybe, all those are just castles that I built in the sky to cover up what's lying on the inside.

I mean, I wouldn't be sad most of the time if I had such positive and motivating attitude, right?

Instead, I am sad and confused most of the time.
I cry all the time, whether there is a reason to or not.
My future is a big blur.
I hate making decisions for myself, especially big ones.
I question myself, my actions, my decisions and my purpose all the time.

There is no hope anymore in the things I once believed in.
I used to believe so strongly despite being let down so many times.
Maybe all this while, I was just a fool to my own fantasy.
To actually believe that dreams do come true.
Well, it doesn't.

I feel like this world can do pretty much well without me.
I mean really, what difference do I make?
To the world, to anyone at all?

I am replaceable. There is no doubt about that.
And maybe it is true that I am a damaged person.
Bcos I'm pretty much good for nothing.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

This little corner

I don't really show people that I'm sad.
Maybe only in this blog.
This space.
Where I can just pour out those bad feelings that bring me down.
Maybe bcos I don't wanna drag anyone along with me into my pool of sadness.
Like now, I'm not feeling confident about everything in my life.
I keep telling myself that hey, all this is just here for now but who knows what can happen tomoro.
It sucks to have that voice in your head constantly reminding you that happy things are just temporary.
I don't know..I'm not sure about my life anymore.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Negativity

I admit, I'm a very negative person.
Seeing the worst in everything kinda perspective.
Its really hard to change one's mindset. Its like reprogramming a whole system.
If only there was a reset button, wouldn't it be much easier?
But who am I kidding?
This is life. Life is meant for us to make mistakes and learn. It helps you become wiser, if you allow it to.
I'm trying to be less negative by not thinking too much and just remind myself to not think about it. 
Its not easy but I'm trying.

For the past few days, I've been really doubtful and discouraged.
It starts when I start thinking, which leads to over thinking.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Fate?

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever have that kind of fate in life.
Something more meaningful, more promising..
Maybe things seem too soon to tell for now.
But I really don't want to expect anything as the fear of disappointment is something that I need to get through.