Tuesday, October 31, 2017

0006

I see you've moved on. Well, good for you.
As for me, the long forgotten one is still finding her path somewhere.
I may look like I've gotten my shit together, tough and free.
But honestly, no one really knows the real me.
No one has really taken the time and empathy to discover what lies within behind all those layers.
I do have friends who care but there's only so much that they can unfold.
The deeper, more damaged, cynical and bipolar side that no one knows..is somewhere in there..uncracked.

Saturday, September 09, 2017

1447

So, 4 months have passed and here I am keeping my head above water.
At times I get a bit too overwhelmed by the taste of freedom.
But it is something that I needed, the freedom to be me.
I admit I do feel lost from time to time.
But you need to be lost to be found.
Like having nothing to know you had everything.
I guess this is just the beginning...

Thursday, May 11, 2017

0243

I thought I was free from this burden. But I guess these things take time to get away from.
Then here you are, asking to come back.
It's tormenting.
A part of me wants you to get out for good.
Then another part of me wants you to stay.
But the part where I want you to stay is the part when things were happy, not what you are now.
Things changed because you got off track. But even you get back on, will we still be on the same train?
Or will I be wanting to get off that train?
I really don't know what I want right now.
I don't know where to go from here.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

0055

I don't know whether to be relieved by the answers that I've gotten tonight.
It's comforting to know what you think of me.
However, knowing that you're lost in life scares me.
I wish I can give you more reasons to look forward to but unfortunately, that's all you need from me.
What you're looking for is something that i couldn't give.
Knowing that I couldn't provide that part for you saddens me.
It makes me feel like I'm not good enough for you to be contented.
I guess this is my fault for making you too​ comfortable.
Why do i feel like loving too much is never a good thing?
At the end of the day, I'm the one at the losing end.
Waking up next to someone yet, feeling so lonely.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

0443

I've come to accept things as they are.
To be constantly pondering over the same old issues is not going to get me anywhere.
I'm just going to end up being upset over and over again.

It's funny how the same situations keep reappearing at different faces.
Maybe it's my problem that I'm always so giving.
My mother always tell me not to be always giving and don't give too much.
Because I always end up at the losing end.
No mother would want to see their child heartbroken over and over again.
Somehow I'm always forgetting this lesson despite facing the same outcome numerous times.

Maybe I'm stubborn.
Maybe I give too much.
Maybe I love too much.
Without knowing how to be loved back.

Thursday, January 05, 2017

2305

Sometimes I really wonder how long do some things last in life.
Whether it is for a minute, a year, a decade, whatever.
No one really knows.
And you have people who say appreciate what you have while it's still here.
But what if not everyone feels the same way?
What if not everyone wants what they currently have?
Maybe they're still not sure and still searching for deeper answers.

It would be sad to know that it could end up that way as I've already built so much along the way.
And to end up just watching everything fall apart again, it would be devastating.
But even if it happens, what can i do?
At times, I really wonder if we're all on the same page or not.
I wonder if you've decided or not.

Monday, December 19, 2016

2329

I thought I can change my perception about life after reading The Monk who Sold his Ferrari.
Well, it did, for a moment.
Unfortunately, the positivity didn't really quite stick to me that long.

I keep having all these thoughts in my head over the things that are happening.
Often thinking that the outcome is probably bad, as usual.

Is it because I'm so used to being in the rut that I often conclude that my life is pretty much gonna end the same way as it always has.

I always hope that things will be different this time, as cliche as it sounds.
But honestly, I really do hope and live the chance to say something like that.
It would be nice if things turn out the way I want to.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

2354

One thing I like about working is that it keeps your mind occupied.
So there isn't time for you to over think certain situations in your life.
But once you're off the clock, that's when you have time to think and then, over think.
Very unhealthy, I know.
But I keep reminding myself to stay positive.
Giving the benefit of the doubt for all these situations.
Every night, I comfort myself by telling myself that everything is ok.
Maybe actually, everything IS ok. It's just that I feel that there's always more than meets the eye.
But would I really know?
Would I really know the whole truth if it's meant to be a lie?

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

0120

I wonder if I can be nocturnal.
Live the night, and sleep the day.
Somehow the night time of the day feels so much safer than the day.
Perhaps there's less nonsense to deal with when everyone is asleep.
Doing everything that you want under the dark sky without the crowd.
Watch the moon and stars light up the sky every night while listening to the insects sing at night.
That peace, comfort and solitude.
Sounds just about right.
Just me, myself and the night.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Midnight thoughts

Probably the biggest change this year is changing my job to a much more challenging one. Somehow I'm still surviving, but for how long more is another episode.

I should probably lose more weight.

I can feel myself getting older. I probably look so too.

Am I making him feel too comfortable? Maybe I should start setting some limits.

I need to find a better book to read. But which one?

I need more money.

I like cooking. Maybe I can open up my own cafe.

Wonder how cold it is in Japan next year. Should I bring more jackets?

Are we on the same page or drifting apart? I wonder what kind of future he sees with me. Or is there even one at all?

Why am I having so much sleepless nights?

Can I die due to lack of sleep and over working?

#icanteven

I think what my sister said is true.
To be bluntly honest because guys can't figure out what you want if you're beating around the bush.

I guess that's probably how I got more quality time, which is better than none.
Although, some things have changed, a lot..

But what really annoys me now is how his peers are trying to influence every aspect of his life to a point whereby he's just another dog jumping into their bandwagon. Although, he denies.

I wouldn't be surprised if I'm the unfavoured outsider due to my different taste in life. Plus, why the fuck should I comply to your standards? Who the hell do you think you are? I wouldn't be surprised as well if you're trying to brainwash him to your ideology.

However, sometimes I really get confused by him as well. Sometimes he's like against them but also he's with them. Like, I don't even get it.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

What are we doing?

It seems off track, perhaps a little lost as we traveled here.
Now we seem to be like strangers on the same train.
What happened in between is not quite clear.
Or maybe I'm having a rush of emotions which I'm dealing in my head, and in my head only.
It feels a little different and I'm not quite sure why.
Things look the same but feels different.
And I wonder why.

Thursday, July 07, 2016

I want to read you

If I could, I would read you like a book.
Know your introduction, your climax and every chapter. I want to know your story.
But only if you would let me read you.
Instead of just shutting off and appear as a blank page.
I want to know more if you would let me to.
I want to know how you see me in your eyes.
I want to how you feel when you think about me, when you see me.
I want to know what you see in me.

Wednesday, January 06, 2016

Didn't see that comin'

I've been waiting all week for the weekend.
Only to end it with more waiting and misery.
To the extend, I don't even know if I should bother so much anymore.
Somehow things are under a different light from my perspective.
Some things don't feel as important as they used to.
Sadly how things end up in the same scenario again.
Maybe I'm just cursed that way.

Saturday, January 02, 2016

Waiting game

How would you feel if you waited the whole day to find out that you have to keep on waiting?

And deep down you know that you'll only meet at the very last minute of the day.

At the same time you wonder about priorities.